Breaking News: Terrelle Pryor Arrested!

In what can only be termed shocking, disappointing, and above all, bizarre, prized-recruit Terrelle Pryor was arrested late Monday evening in suburban Pittsburgh. Pryor was cited for disorderly conduct after the young man was apparently unable to place an order at a local pizza joint, Abie’s & Bimbo’s Pizza, and refused to leave.

Sources at the scene say Mr. Pryor was pontificating about taking one’s time, while considering the virtues of each pizza and soliciting the help of those more knowledgeable.

“He kept saying that he wanted to make the best decision for himself and his family,” said frequent Abie’s patron Stacey Greenwich, 24. “Honestly, he must have asked the waiter about every slice twice.”

At one point he enlisted the assistance of a much older patron, whom he called a friend.

Others offered to help, hoping to avoid what ultimately became a messy scene. “I heard at least three people offer to buy him different slices. I think parents were starting to get nervous about the children,” said one employee who requested anonymity upon fear of reprisal.

The most awkward moment of the night came when Mr. Pryor went behind the counter in an attempt to use the “take-out” microphone to hold a “press conference.” Feedback abounded.

“Everyone just looked down at their tables,” said another long time Abie’s employee who also requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on behalf of the restaurant. “I mean, to see such physical greatness shackled by potential toppings is just … well, strange.”

After that, Mr. Pryor was escorted from the premises.

Onlookers said this was the most shocking development for a Big Ten school since Michigan was briefly demoted to Division III.